Sometimes in my thoughts I think of a sentence about god… and in my inner monologue something like this happens. “Jesus is NOT my king”…. Written out, this could not sound more blasphemous, however the word ‘Not’ is in bold and italic for a reason…. I didn’t think that…. I was thinking ‘Jesus is my king’…. It’s kind of like the word ‘not’ is a separate entity that chimed into my inner monologue at just the right time to change the sentence…. It doesn’t even have the same voice as the rest of the sentence. This dysfunction happens to me alot – Even in prayer this sort of spasm happens while im talking to god himself. yet it only seems to happen when i’m thinking of spiritual things or praying… I was eventually so frustrated with it I prayed about it..
I told god: I don’t know why this happens, it’s like Touerettes lord. It doesnt feel like me, it doesnt even sound like me. do not hold this against me because these things are not what im saying to you. I have no desire to be against you, though I know it sounds like it when these spasms in my mind and prayers are everything against you.. even better please make it stop. If it is a demon then please banish it, remove it please…
So then I fell asleep to the bible on audio book and had a dream:
I was at beautiful white sandy beach, there were no waves and the water was beautiful but eerily clear/calm like glass. I was drinking a margarita out of a coconut when a man came from behind me. This is what he told me:
Everyone has this Touerettes, god knows it isnt you nor does he hold it against you, nor is it a demon as you suppose – rather it is yourself but not really, its your flesh that rejects God. That voice that happens to you is the sin inside of you.This same voice you have observed also causes you to do other sins your not even aware of. It will be taken away someday, though I know it causes you grief, it cant be taken from you just now – but it is good you despise it, so does god – and its why all need Jesus.
so then I woke up and my audio bible was still playing and came to the book of Romans at just about what seems like an appropriate message :
“Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.” – Romans 7:17 – 25
So what I get out of all this experience is, even Paul had this internal psycho dynamics of; “my will vs my sin that’s within” in regards to Christianity. We are wretched and wicked creatures – rotten to our very core. our flesh and blood is inherently evil in more ways then just lust (which is usually when its most apparent). Even when we are saved, we are only made perfect via technicality – only marginally are we bettering ourselves by carrying some of the holy spirit. Truely the good fruit we produce is not from us its from the spirit inside us. We ourselves can only sin and wrestle with ourselves as we keep sinning. In a way, we are like broken robots disfunctioning with our hardware. Our minds are short circuiting continuously against our flesh and blood. I myself cant wait for the day God fixes my spiritual touerettes short circuiting among other things 🙂 though I have a feeling I know atleast generally when that day will be 🙂
Maybe I sound crazy at this point. maybe I sound like a prophet…. nonetheless this is what happened to me, and so it is recorded.